Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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