Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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