The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
