don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
