I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize