Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize