Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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