Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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