see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
