we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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