What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
