Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
