I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
soo... how was my night?
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