I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
this hospital has no fireball
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
