The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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