i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
