i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize