glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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