between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
