so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
