I heard we made out
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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