I cannot find my penis.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
