I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
