tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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