maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
