I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
