Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
