I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
it was like eating out sand paper
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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