And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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