I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I need to stop coming to work sober
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
