...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
