I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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