My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
