my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
