If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
