his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
