i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
