my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
