i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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