his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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