Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
