Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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