I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
