im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
