just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
