Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
