I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
