Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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