You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
