yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
