Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
