Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(850): View more from Florida

I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.

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(650): View more from California

Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.

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(347): View more from New York

Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

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(226): View more from Ontario

While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."

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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just got my second shot

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days

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