That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
