Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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