It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
