Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
