it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
