i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
the raccoons are back...
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