I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
