Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
