If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
