Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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